woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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