I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
