I showed him my bush... on skype.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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