Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
