yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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