I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
