Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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