My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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