would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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