Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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