not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
