i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
