Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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