The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
