The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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