I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
