I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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