If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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