Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
