the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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