If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I understand Curling. That high.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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