I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
