I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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