Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
