Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
