I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
