Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
