and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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