put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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