I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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