Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
