Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
