Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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