This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
