I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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