He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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