i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
