Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When are your genitals available?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
