Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
