"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
