I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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