decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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