I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
