and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
