I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
