M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
