somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
