fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize
