I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
