WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish I could teleport
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
