I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
