two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
