WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
