Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
