im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
